Boundlessly Challenged

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this is something that i’ve been thinking about on and off for the last few years… this is THE question i guess…*what am i living for?*  what do i want to do with my life?  this is virtually a question that i’ve been asking since i was a teenager and i’m sure that it is the case with most people. 

this question reminds me of Francis Chan’s question in one of his sermons: ‘do you REALLY want to live like Jesus?’  can you really give up everything if that’s what you’re called to do?  will you be willing to live that life? 

if my answer is yes…if my answer to pastor Daniel Kim’s question is truly and unequivocally ‘God,’ my life will look different.  how i spend my time will be different.  how i spend my money, what i read on the internet, what i like to talk to my friends about, the books i read will all be different.  which insinuates that the life i live now is really not the kind of life that is lived for God, even with my morning devotional time and my evening prayer time. even with going to small groups and chruch events.

do i really want that kind of life where every cent of my earnings is given up to God?  can i give up my work time (which i love) to be generous and loving and caring in the way that God wants me to be?  i will add this disclaimer that i know and understand that living for God does NOT equal becoming a missionary and/or giving away my possessions.  what i’m talking about is relinquishing the ownership of my belongings, finances, time and myself to God completely.  and if God wants me to use my money for a cause, am i willing to obey that because i’ve claimed it to be God’s?

these are thoughts that are on my mind. 

i also realize, that i have a long way to go. 

“What Are You Living For?”  Francis Chan

i owe this to my blog to blog this.

so.  i proudly and certainly ended the relationship with the non-Christian guy and i believe/believed i did it with flying colors.  and i did.  in a way.  at that moment.  i’d prayed diligently and i’d kept myself from crossing any sort of line that could be crossed in a dating relationship.  but i forgot about other things that come along with a dating relationship.  feelings.  loneliness.  temptations.  myself. 

i may not have been in love with him.  i may not have given him my heart.  and i may have been very proud of myself for all of that but i was definitely not prepared for the week after.  i missed him.  as much as i do not want to admit this especially in such a public arena where i would have loved to maintain my victorious state, i missed him.  and, yes, i even wrestled with calling him.  not to get back together or to renounce my love for God.  but i just missed him. 

and….this got me thinking about several things. 

even when i’m certain that God guided me through, every step of the way, because i’m human, because i’m in the flesh, i cannot escape the humanly responses i will have to life.  departing from someone i like and have shared a closeness with - even when it is God’s will - still hurts and it is still very very difficult.

through this, God also pointed me to a lot of issues that i had to face in regards to relationships and myself.  i’m still grateful for this experience. 

the feelings definitely subsided and now after a few weeks, the guy is becoming a faint memory and does not occupy very much of my time.  i just wanted to warn sweet singletons out there what to expect.  i was also reminded of the ‘aftermath effect’ of my fast.  if you’re familiar with jesus’ 40-day fast, he was filled with the spirit after the fast and the devil strangely used that time to tempt Jesus.  i always thought this was a very strange time for the devil to try to tempt Jesus but now i understand. 

after not having any food for a length of time, you’re physically weak and tired and all you can think about is food.  it is actually the perfect time for the devil to work His way into tempting me.  and i was tempted quite vigorously.  for me, personally, i had one night when the temptation was quite unbearable and i spent the night wrestling.  after that night, it was a slow but steady downhill.  i’m so grateful. 

i know that i’m going to have to face greater temptations but if that is going to bring me closer to God…so be it. 

Fantastic article about marrying outside of our faith - the dangers of it

reflections on my last few days:

it wasn’t the hardest thing i’ve ever done but it was definitely tough.  the last few days of the fast was quite challenging.  because i’m hungry all the time, i was cranky, irritable and quite antsy about being able to eat in a few days.  you’d think that because you’re spending more time praying, you’d be in spiritual high and be happy all the time but that is not the case.  because my body is so weak, consistently praying has been a real challenge and sometimes i had to be very intentional during my prayer time and Bible reading time to be able to stay focused.  i’m glad i read up on these things because otherwise, i would’ve been very despondent with my seemingly un-spiritual status.  for me, it also helped to know that there were many other people in my church community doing this with me. 

some reminders and gains from the fast  - there were many gains from the fast… let me state a few…for one, i’ve begun to seriously appreciate ‘giving up’ something important to me for God and have experienced that it is very much worth it.  when you’re giving it up, even though you know in your head that God will give you back tenfold, you still feel a loss in your heart.  but i’ve found out that the more you do it, the more you understand the value of it, thus a little bit easier it gets (not a lot easier..but a little bit)

-prayer is fellowship.  that’s what God desires through our prayer.  i had specific things i wanted to contend for during this time of fasting.  but, the more i spent time in prayer, i experienced my prayer changing into a more God-focused prayer instead of just focusing on my needs and i experienced deeper communion with God..and that’s just the best place to be. 

-being legalistic about my faith.  it is important that when i commit to something i follow through to the best of my abilities.  i am the type of person who likes to do things exactly the way i’m supposed to do it and allow for little to no wiggle room.  but, thanks to my pastor’s encouraging sermons, i broke free from that this time.  because my body was not handling the liquid fast at the beginning of the fast, i had to consume protein shakes (prescribed by my doctor).  to be perfectly honest, i really really really didn’t want to because it just didn’t feel like ‘fasting’ to me.  i was tempted not to listen.  but i realized that such legalism comes from my pride.  being so strict on myself isn’t always pure diligence but it’s feeding my pride thinking that *I* can do it.  although, i still firmly believe that i should do my very best to give God my very best, God really is concerned about my heart and my attitude towards Him.  Good lesson. 

-on our last day of the fast, which was the past Sunday, we, the congregation, was asked to share some words of encouragement.  one guy walked up and said that for those who had specific things we were praying for but didn’t get it during the fast should not be disappointed or discouraged.  because, even though it doesn’t feel like it right at this moment, we’ve got it.  and here is a verse from Daniel 10:12…this is an angel speaking to Daniel when he fasted and prayed: 

Then he said to me, “Do not be afraid, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart on understanding this and on humbling yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to your words.

my food journey:

so this is day 2 after the end of the fast and i’m very slowly easing my stomach into consuming solid foods.  our faithful pastor who’s been fasting for years gave all of us some tips and appropriate horror stories to keep us on track.  eating the burger i’d been craving for is not a good idea in the first week unless i want to live with sharp tummy pain for months. 

so…i’m eating very watery porridge (got some great recipes online, thank you very much!) mashed up banana with milk, sucking on chocolate because i missed it sooooooo much, and today i had a butter cookie that has been just waiting for me in my freezer.  i don’t know if the cookie was a good idea but my tummy is doing okay. 

i’m looking forward to eating noodles and consuming good ol’ coffee soon but i don’t think it’s time yet.  i’m also easing into my exercise routine by just walking first before going all out running again. 

today is the beginning of my third week of the fast. 

and i’m living day by day resisting the temptation of food.  i thought it was supposed to get easier but it really is not…especially because the end is near.  something i must stop doing is look at pictures of food on the internet.  it is not helping.

last Sunday, our pastor reminded us why we were fasting.  (although not every single person at our church is fasting)  we are fasting to hunger for God…because knowing God is sweeter than chocolate cupcake, pecan pie or a juicy burger.  and i realized that food represents everything else in my life too..everything else that i desire and want in my life….and i think this is a question i need to ask myself everyday….do i really really truly honestly want to hunger for only God and His will?  is that truly my deepest desire?  Francis Chan asks this in one of his (amazing) sermons.  do you really really want to be just.like.Christ?  or do you just say that but want to keep your car and your lifestyle and your job?  it’s a tough question to answer because….i like my job…i like my shoes…i like my lifestyle…i like that i’m able to go out in the weekend and check out a fabulous restaurant…this is not to say that we are required to give everything up to be a follower of Christ.  but if it comes to that, will i be able to willingly give it all up?  i love God.  but do i love God that much? 

something else that i was reminded of was this:  praying and reading the Bible is a discipline.  it requires discipline.  there are times when praying comes easily and opening up the Bible to read God’s Word is just a natural part of life.  but there are times when it isn’t so easy.  life happens and you get busy.  believe it or not, in my second week of fasting, there were days when i only spent 5 minutes reading the Bible.  i got busy, tired and emotional.  it is an act of will to stop what i’m doing, open up the Bible and be ‘in’ God’s Word.  and i have to remember, it isn’t always easy.  but at those times, i must remember the benefits of it.  and who i am and who i belong to. 

so…with 6 days left of the fast….i do my very very best to go to the Bible when it isn’t the easiest thing to do….

so.  i ended the dating relationship with the non-christian guy and what a trip i’ve had in the process.  it’s hard to recount the little miraculous events that had occured along the road to come to this decision but let me at least make an attempt of it. 

as the spirit had urged me to, i’d been sharing with him about my faith.  mind you, i actually never brought up anything ‘spiritual’ purposefully because i did not want Christianity to be shoved down his throat.  i also was mindful of the fact that he might feel pressured to become a Christian.  but, i prayed for opportunities to share with him about my faith and surprisingly, this guy always had questions about it.  i think this fasting came at the most appropriate time because that’s what he was always curious about.  what did i pray for?  why was i fasting?  how does God respond?  i was always happy to answer these types of questions and the questions also made me think that he may be interested in God. 

one night, i was about to call him to discuss some stuff that needed to be discussed.  but before i picked up the phone, i prayed to God (a prayer i’d been praying most of this dating relationship) that if this guy is the guy for me, that we would just grow closer through this conversation and through all the forthcoming conversations.  but if he was not the guy for me, God would make it clear to me.  lo and behold, during that conversation, this guy decided to share with me how uncomfortable he was with religion.  he was nice enough about it, but he shared that it had been a burden in his heart that i was so into religion.  even though i’d said to him that it’s not a religion but a relationship, he just could not understand the extremities i went to for this ‘God.’ 

after that conversation, all i could do was thank God that He answered my prayer in such a clear way.  i won’t go into any more of the details that came about in that conversation but it was clear to me that this guy was not open to God or Christ.  in fact, it kind of frightened him. 

after that night, and after another session of prayer, i decided that i was going to end the relationship the next day.  but again, the spirit urged me not to do it right away and i was lead to wait about 4 days.  and as i prayed during those 4 days, the Spirit revealed some insights into this person and the relationship in an amazing way and my heart was prepared for the ‘break-up’ conversation.  and because of the 4 days, i was able to break off this relationship without any regrets or ‘what ifs.’  (i do apologize for being vague here but for his and my privacy, details will be left out..)

am i disappointed that this didn’t work out.  my very honest answer is…’no.’  i think i had a moment of disappointment but it really did not last very long.  did i like the guy?  while we were dating, yes?  how was i able to keep myself from going further with my feelings.  the only answer i have to that is ‘through prayer.’   i honestly honestly could not have kept my heart pure and guarded without prayer.  i say this because i know myself well enough.  if it were up to me, i may still be in a relationship with this guy. 

i also had a breaking moment during that pivotal conversation.  after his little admittance to his true feelings about religion, he straight-up asked me how important religion was to me.  he said ‘religion’ but i interpreted it as ‘God.’  i could feel both the people-pleasing side of me and the side of me that was attracted to him wanting to downplay how important God was in my life.  but i pushed that aside quickly and said that God was the center of my life.  he was slightly taken aback that i would say that after hearing what he had to say about religion.  such a thing might not be a big deal to some people.  but i’ve never been one of those people who could argue with anyone to stand up for God.  i’ve always been the kind of person who tries to stay out of trouble, religious or not.  but, i was able to tell this man confidently that God is most important.  it was nice to know that that statement was really true in my life at this point in my life. 

this doesn’t mean it’s over.  i’m not talking about the dating relationship.  i’m talking about living this life with confidence in God.  the Devil will do whatever he can to knock me down and make me say that God may not be the most important thing in my life.  the only combat to this that i can think of is for me to do my very very very best to get to know God and experience Him in every possible way that i can. the more i pray.  the more i study His Word, the more real God becomes. 

cheers…to that.  :)

Francis Chan, Jonathan Edwards and Marrying Well